On Christian Marriage

I'm in the midst of reading Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis. It is possibly the most quotable book I have ever read, outside of Theology of the Body of course! Really though, Lewis' spot on observations are so valid in today's world. He was absolutely monitoring the trends of his era, but in a very prophetic way he seems to discuss issues that have snowballed out of control in modern day. His candidness is so admirable, and yet you can not come away without loving this man. Unlike many present day defenders of the faith, Lewis is so genuine and packages Christ's teaching so perfectly that you feel like you're receiving a gift from your favorite uncle with each line you read. What makes it really special is that Lewis was an atheist. He's been on both sides of the fence and was so inspired by Christianity that he made it a huge part of his life's work, writing.

I always feel a long introduction is merited when I speak of Lewis but I never fail to come up short with things to say about him. At any rate, here's a couple quotables about marriage from the man himself...

If the old fairy-tale ending "They lived happily ever after" is taken to mean "They felt for the next fifty years exactly as they felt the day before they were married," then it says what probably never was nor ever could be true, and would be highly undesirable if it were. Who could bear to live in that excitement for even five years?

Sadly, this is what many couples think going into marriage. They want to hold on to that initial feeling of being in love. They expect it to last forever like in the movies. Then suddenly they wake up one morning and realize that their "soulmate" is just another human being filled with flaws and prone to major error at any moment. The happy couple doesn't see eye to eye on everything and it's a shock. And love is lost. At least this is how they feel, and this why many will either leave for something (or someone) they think will be better.

That's a poor definition of love though. For it is through these awkward instances when we realize that there is no such thing as a perfect match, at least in our standards (God obviously has a perfect will that often seems far from perfect to us), that can teach us what love truly is. A decision, a choice. A pledge to lead another to holiness at whatever the cost, through bad times and good, through sickness and in health, etc.

Love as distinct from "being in love" is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by (in Christian marriages) the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God. They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other; as you love yourself even when you do not like yourself.

Imagine that. Sometimes you won't even like your spouse. It's a hard thing for young couples to swallow. But this is no storybook, no romantic comedy. This is life. Real love comes from sacrificing for the benefit of another human being. Not from butterflies in the stomach.

I'd rather watch "Death to Smoochy"

Robin Williams in a collar... cannot possibly be a good thing.

That was the first thought I had when I heard about Mr. Williams' upcoming comedy License to Wed.

Despite the fact that he's playing a Protestant Minister, it was inevitable that the movie would inspire some serious Catholic bashing. As Shelray of Cosmos~Liturgy~Sex points out, Williams himself has fired the first shot...

In refernce to his character...

"In the big picture that’s why he’s a Protestant and has been married and has
some perspective on sexuality. Because it must be very difficult being a priest
and having to talk about sex — kind of like Quasimodo is a chiropractor. I guess
it works."

Well that's certainly a Jr. High view of sexuality if I've ever heard one. If Williams had a clue, he would know that sexuality is much more than just sex. It defines us and guides us to love. It leads us to God. It emerges out of our person as either male or female and dictates our purpose in life.

A celibate man does not neglect his sexuality, he embraces it. By refraining from the intimate union of woman and man, the priest is actually living out his sexuality, recognizing that he is destined for God. His sexuality is a major part of his decision to answer the call to priesthood, and not because he must decide "to have sex, or not to have sex." He must decide to respond to God's call to love, discovered in his body, by mirroring His Love in union with a wife, or by witnessing to the eternal Love of God as a priest.

At least this is what the Church says, but they've only been around for 2,000 years. Maybe they should heed Robin's advice...

"It might be something you look at for the Catholic Church to think about –
maybe losing the whole celibacy thing. It’s a difficult thing when you realize
that first of all you have to give up sex and then they say, “Okay. We’re going
to put you in a small box and every week people are going to come and go “Bless
me father for I have sinned.” “What have you done my son?” “Last night I was
with two Philippine twins and it was slip and slide.” “Oh really? Keep going.”
And then they’re going to take you from that and then put you next to pubescent
children. It’s like getting out of Jenny Craig and saying “Where you gonna
work?” “Haagen Dazs.” "

No kidding it's difficult. That's what makes the celibate vocation so important. If it was easy than there would be no point in it. In a world where sex is thrown in our faces everywhere we go, THANK GOD that we have men (and women - God Bless our religious sisters) that live lives that literally point to us towards something greater. They are saying "Yes, I believe in God and His Eternal Kingdom. And it is so good, that I would give up the wonderful joy of marriage and sexual intercourse just to prove to people how good it is." That witness is crucial in today's world.

Of course Williams doesn't think that way though. He's too busy imagining Phillipine Twins. His words.

Co-habby together?

Some very good conversation happening over at the Curt Jester's Blog about cohabitation... here.

It's a shame that so many magazines call themselves Catholic and yet print such garbage.

Cohabitation has become common place in today's culture. The Church continues to recognize the danger of a couple living together (and assumedly having sex) prior to marriage in the midst of this. And so, many people get turned off by the Church's "old fashioned" teaching. Unfortunately the response by many Catholics is to give in to society's pressure and find excuses and loopholes to justify what deep down we all know is wrong.

Let's be real, if you're living together you're having sex. There's probably 1 in every 100 cohabitating couples that isn't. And a couple might have all the best intentions in the world, but they cannot hide from the fact that if they are engaging in sexual intercourse before marriage, they are not giving of themselves fully. You cannot give yourself to someone freely, totally, faithfuly, and fruitfully if you can also leave the relationship at any time with no recourse. It's that simple.

Still, I'll play along. Say a couple is not having sex but living together, maybe for financial reasons (although most co-habitators I've met just wanted to get away from their folks). Even if they remain chaste, they're setting themselves up for a difficult time. This idea of a "trial period" in order to see if you can live with the person is ridiculous. PEOPLE ARE NOT OBJECTS TO TRY-OUT! News flash... there will never be a person you can live with in perfect harmony. The only person you are capable of living with in absolute harmony is Christ. As long as we are human beings flawed by original sin, we will always butt heads, step on toes, and rattle cages. If you think you're going to find someone to marry you who won't do all three, you're sadly mistaken.

A healthy couple knows that each is not perfect. They know there will be times when their spouse does something that just ticks them off. And they know that we all have our strange little quirks that are normal to us and yet so foreign to others. Yet the healthy couple marches down the aisle having made the decision to love this person from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part. Despite all the crazy things that come up, all the surprises, and all the "oh, you do it that way" moments.

We need to stop making excuses and call a spade a spade. I have many friends who are cohabitating. I love them each very much and pray that they are an exception to the statitics that spell doom for couples living together prior to marriage. After all, God is certainly powerful enough to work through our own errors.

Nobody is trying to condemn here. But we need to stop trying to make sins okay in order to accomodate good people. Instead, we need to love the sinner and hate the sin.

Love the cohabitator, hate the cohabitation.

Originally... there was solitude!

Lions, Elephants, Dinosaurs, Goats, and... Dragons?

Hey, I loved Pete's Dragon just as much as the next child of the 80s raised on the Wonderful World of Disney, but I'm not sure the Dragon belongs in the Animal Kingdom. There is certainly one obvious omission from the silhouetted creatures on this logo, the human being.

Most people would not even blink at the fact that man was not selected to be pictured on this logo and thus considered a representative of animalia. There are some out there, however, who claim that indeed man is no more than a mere animal. According to them we are simply a more advanced creature, but a creature none the less, and certainly not any more important than any of the beasts of earth, water and sky (I was so tempted to say earth, wind and fire and leave it at that).

IN THE BEGINNING IT WAS NOT SO...

"So the LORD God formed out of the ground various wild animals and various birds of the air, and he brought them to the man to see what he would call them; whatever the man called each of them would be its name. The man gave names to all the cattle, all the birds of the air, and all the wild animals; but none proved to be the suitable partner for the man." Genesis 2:19-20

It is in this event that Adam realizes quite how different he is from the animal kingdom. The Lord allows Adam to name the creatures, a feat that could only be accomplished by a human being, setting him apart. Now clearly there are plenty of similarities between the human being and the animal world, yet not one of the animals "proved to be the suitable partner for the man." Whatever similarities there were, they were not greater than the differences and so Adam felt alone.

Initially it is the physical differences that strike him. There is someting peculiar about who he is, an essence that only he has. And it ain't just about having opposable thumbs. It's about his purpose, his meaning. It's about a need for a relationship with the God whose likeness he was made in. This was original solitude. Man standing alone, having dominion over all the creatures of the world.

Mankind is one of a kind. It is written into our bodies. The things we are capable of doing, the things we are drawn to, are all a sign that we were made for something bigger. All our intricacies and complexities speak volumes. And there is nothing on the planet that compares.

Proud 2 B Catholic

Hey, what a pleasure it was to meet so many cool people, young and old, at the P2BC Youth Fest. Big things are happening in the Diocese of Rockville Centre, and I'm blessed to be a part of it.

If this is your first time at "Rise of the TOB" - WELCOME!!

I promise I will update it more than I have. I cannot promise it will be every day, but it will be often.

When I'm recovered from the long day today I will add a more proper welcome post and state more of my intention with this blog.

Please, feel free to comment or drop me a line. Let's spread the Theology of the Body together!

Pax -
Nolan

Created & Redeemed

I realize that not posting for almost 2 months is not exactly the best way to kick start a new blog. At any rate, things have been insanely busy for me with wedding plans, youth ministry, 2 classes, and, up until the end of March, finishing up work for the Theology of the Body Institute - Head and Heart Immersion Course (which everyone needs to take... now). That being said, I'm going to make a rough transistion to this past Saturday's Created and Redeemed Seminar presented by renowned TOB speaker, and teacher of Head & Heart, Christopher West, at Cure of Ars Parish in Merrick, NY.

For two years in a row Christopher has made the trip from PA to Long Island to give his unique and inspiring presentation of JPII's masterpiece. I sure hope it isn't the last. Having attended this same seminar once before and been blessed to attend the 5-day course, I can honestly say it was just as informing and moving as the first time. Christopher has dedicated his life's work to spreading this message and it shows. With the utmost humility, he shares his personal life story as well as the profound theological truth of Church teaching. Add in a few pop culture references, and you have one of the most rewarding speaking engagements available to all of the faithful in the Church today. There simply isn't a better resource for beginning the TOB journey than to attend one of Christopher's seminars.

I was pleasantly surprised that Christopher remembered me from January's course. I told him about the blog and my upcoming TOB for Teens talk (w/ Elizabeth Andrew) at the Proud2BCatholic Youth Fest in Huntington, NY. After catching up he was kind enough to take a picture with Elizabeth and I, instantly adding credibility to this very developmental blog!

You want me to do what with what?

Just a thought I had while working on a journal entry for the Theology of the Body Institute...

When I was in High School I always found myself puzzled in health class when it came time for the teacher to discuss "safe sex". I was much too afraid to speak up, but I could never understand how involving a piece of manufactured rubber in sexual intercourse was a good thing. How could this natural act, which our bodies are clearly designed for as is, require something I could pick up at the local gas station or seven eleven. It just didn't compute. But I didn't have an answer. Had I asked a teacher or even a friend, I probably would have been told I was being immature and needed to grow-up and be thankful for man's medical advances (a piece of rubber, brilliant). Some might have even found me to be "cute", like a pre-adolescent who still believes in Santa Claus. I can only imagine the conversation in the faculty room.

Now that I am grown-up I have my answer...

"[T]he conjugal act 'means' not only love, but also potential fruitfulness, and thus it cannot be deprived of its full and adequate meaning by means of artificial interventions. In the conjugal act, it is not licit to separate artificially the unitive meaning [2 become 1] from the procreative meaning [2 create 1], because [they both] belong to the innermost truth of the conjugal act... Thus, in such a case, when the conjugal act is deprived of its inner truth because it is deprived artificially of its procreative capacity, it also ceases to be an act of love (TOB 123:6).

I'm convinced now that it was nothing less than the voice of the Holy Spirit whispering to me back in health class. The reason it didn't make sense to me is because contraception takes authentic love out of sex. It makes us pleasure seekers, not givers. It says to the other person, "You are not good enough to receive all of me, but you are sufficient enough to be used for my enjoyment". Nobody likes to be used, but that's exactly what happens with contraception and birth control. The ability to express our love physically is exploited. Through God's grace I was able to recognize that on some level.

So, what is "real" safe sex. It is sex that is free, total, faithful, and fruitful (like the wedding vows). It is sex with someone you can trust your life with (kinda like a spouse). It is with someone who would be willing to sacrifice all they have for you (someone Christ-like). It is that which is protected by the sacrament of marriage.

Marriage - home free. That's being safe. Safe from being hurt. Safe from being used. Safe, in the arms of your lover and in God's hands.